Babylon A.D.

Synopsis

This movie is based on the novel Babylon Babies by Maurice Georges Dantec and stars Vin Diesel (XXX, The Fast and the Furious) as a mercenary who is hired to deliver a very special “package” from Eastern Europe to New York City. Babylon A.D is a post-apocalyptic thriller directed by Mathieu Kassovitz (Gothika).

Review

Babylon A.D. just didn’t cut it. The answers to silent questions are revealed in a cheesy manner, and by the time we figure out the answers, it doesn’t even matter. The ending… oh my word is HORRIBLE. This one man in the theater yelled out, “I want my money back!” That sentiment was echoed with grumblings of others as we left the theater. If that statement doesn’t sum it up for you, then I don’t know what will.

This movie is based on the novel, Babylon Babies by Maurice Georges Dantec and stars Vin Diesel as a hired mercenary named Toorop who journeys from Eastern Europe to New York City to escort Aurora (Melanie Thierry, Chrysalis), a young woman who could possibly save the world with her secret. He doesn’t know it, but yep…that’s Toorop's job. There are many unexpected obstacles along the way, and Toorop (imagine introducing a guy with this name to your parents) of course is coffin nail hard—so he gets to banging. But don’t let the great action scene clips in the trailer fool you about how the movie is going to be. If action is all you're looking for with a lack of story depth, dialogue and ending, then Babylon delivers. I need all three; action alone just won’t do for me. I suppose Vin Diesel did okay. It’s not like the script provided him with meaningful dialogue. He’s also kind of like a blunt instrument – not too much you can do with it (him), but it’s good for performing Neanderthal-like tasks (a good description of Diesel’s acting abilities).

Michelle Yeoh (The Mummy: Tomb of the Emporer Dragon), plays Sister Rebekah, Aurora’s guardian and she karate chops the mess out people. KEEYAAAHHH! I knew soon as Michelle appeared on the screen, there would be some Martial Arts moves.

Aurora, this strange young woman has never been on the outside of her safe haven. She’s never had the touch of a man, but through her journey with Toorop, at a hotel she looks hungry like a wolf ready to pounce on one of the three little pigs. Where did this come from? What happened to the innocent and sweet Aurora? Another thing that made no sense is she didn’t have makeup on or her hair done running around with Toorop, but she has money and time to do her hair up and slap some make up on when they settle in at the hotel. It’s pointless honey. People are after you. There’s no time to put your smell goods on. There’s no time to get your hair did and cake up your make-up.

I want to tear this film apart but it’s difficult to do without spoiling the movie. Babylon is just a chaotic mess of nothing. It jumps from scene to scene leaving you wondering, how did they get from this point to the next. One moviegoer cursed out “What the [Fudge]?!” The crowd roared like this was a comedy. Those were almost my sentiments exactly except I said, “What in the world...oh heck nawww.”

The loose ends were ridiculous. It seemed like they ran out of money and just slapped any old ending in there. Babylon left everyone hanging. Even this little baby was quiet. She was probably wondering the same thing:

“Goo goo gaa gaa—what the [Fudge]?!”

Her first words, sadly I hope not. You know babies aren’t quiet in the theater. Perhaps her mom filled her bottle with some Act Right Juice.

Oh, and this one man was filming the movie with his laptop. YES! I couldn’t believe it. Not only did I never see someone literally filming a movie before, but also I was wondering why this film? It’s HORREEBULLL! It’s not even worth bootleg prices. It’s not even worth borrowing. It’s not even worth watching when you’re stuck at the salon. Grab an Essence or Sister2Sister instead.

My Rating ~ 1 Reels

Audience Rating (What's Yours?)