The Love Guru

Synopsis

Guru Maurice Pitka (Mike Myers, Austin Powers, Shrek) an American self-help guru, who was raised on an Indian ashram after being left at the front gates. As an adult he journeys back to America as the #2 Guru spreading his quirky spiritual knowledge to everyone through workshops and his various books. He is hired by owner, Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba, The Eye) of the Toronto Maple Leafs Hockey team to reconcile their star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco, The 40-Yr Old Virgin) with his wife Prudence (Meagan Good, Waist Deep). Darren  is miserable and off his game because Prudence is seeing his biggest hockey rival Jacques "Le Coq" Grande (Justin Timberlake, Alpha Dog), the goalie for the L.A. Kings, the leafs' rivals in the Stanley Cup finals. 

Review

If I didn't know better, I think that Mike Meyers has a deep fetish for poop, urine, penises, genitals, elephant sex (yep) and just a host of juvenile junior high boy gags. Simply ridiculous! He wrote an entire script that encompassed all of these things. I could not believe it. I literally could not believe the actors who were a part of this ludicrous project. Did they not read the script? Were they blindly led by Mike Myers? They had to just assume, since it was the great Mike Myers, that this script would be a hilarious hit. UGH...I mean, gag me with a snow shovel. It stunk something fierce. I could smell the funk projecting from the screen.

I guess since Mike Myers is so established and proved himself with the Austin Powers movies, it really doesn't matter what us critics will say. He is still going to make some money off of this flick unless people read the reviews before making the decision to go. 

I saw this movie at a free pre-screening. The time -- my time -- I spent watching this movie was worth so much more  than a $9.00 ticket. UGHHHHH. I could NOT wait until the credits rolled. I just sat in my seat just wondering when the movie would end. This flick had no layers. No substance. No nothing. Mmmm Hmmm. There is a scene when Meyers acts like he is a wolverine. He claws several times as he roars. Then, all of a sudden he pretends like he is dialing a phone and puts his hand up to his ear to say hello. I am still trying to figure out what that weird scene was all about. 

Romany Malco is a funny guy (see his show-stealing scenes in 40 Year Old Virgin). He truly is, but you would never know it in this treacherous film. This man comes off as a straight up punk, with no comedic skills. He plays a man who is scared to stand up to his mother. This man is a hardcore hockey player who cannot speak his mind to his mother. The is a moment when he goes to tell his mother how it was, but soon as she starts yapping, he recoils and appears to be child-like. I was so disappointed. I thought that Romany would steal it. Nope! I don't think Myers wants anyone to steal the spotlight from him. It's evident, after seeing his big ole' head in every single scene. Myers isn't even anything to look at. 

Meagan Good is a really good actress, and she was given nothing to showcase what she can dish out. She has a few little lines and that's it. There is no chemistry with her and Romany or Justin Timberlake. Justin just plays an idiot with a big ego and among other things. He did have some moments when I laughed at him, but even his character got on my nerves. This entire cast collectively has no chemistry. I have never watched a movie where no one in the cast had chemistry. This is pretty pathetic. I would not want my name up on this flick.

Are any Indians upset by Meyers poking fun at Hinduism? I don't know. Even Deepka Chopra made a special appearance. I guess he would after he had umpteen plugs in this movie as being the #1 Guru of all times. And are any little people upset or offended? Pitka rips on Coach's (Verne Troyer, Austin Powers) size multiple times. He was looking like a fool at times. Verne plays the anxious coach of the Toronto Maple Leafs. He gets hit and thrown around like a little football. I feel kind of wrong cracking up about it.

I have to just reiterate once again that this movie was excruciatingly bad. Just crass and trash. Ohhh LAWD it was so bad. Why this movie is PG 13 is beyond me. It was offensive to the nth degree. There is Elephant sex on the ice rink and urine mop fights. Myers had the worst potty mouth jokes and I can't believe after not seeing his face on the big screen for about 5 years, he comes out with this movie-strosity. Come on Mike. The word disappointment can't explain how bad this movie is. Myers would throw a joke out to Jessica Alba and of course she would fumble it and toss something back that resembled more of a statement than comedic timing. I mean it was almost as bad as listening to John McCain give a speech—any speech. She clearly had no clue how to work with Mike's corny humor.

I was ready to call the paramedics to bring a defibrillator to shock this movie back to life. It needed a 911 kind of help. I haven't seen a movie in such critical condition as this in a long time.

My Rating ~ 1 Reel

Average Rating ~ What's Yours?